Aging Authentically

“I know of nothing more valuable, when it comes to the all-important virtue of authenticity, than simply being who you are.” Charles Swindoll

Our basic tendency is to ‘show our best face’ to the world.

We often conceal our failures, our frailties, our sadness, and sorrows, for fear of how we will be seen, and evaluated by others. Social media is generally a platform for displaying our accomplishments, our best selves, our happy moments…a place to reveal the joy-enhanced events of our lives…when, in fact, our lives are imperfect, a jumbled mix of pleasure and pain, depending on the day, or sometimes the hour.

It is hard, extremely hard, to be ‘real’.

In an article written by LaRae Quay, an FBI undercover and counterintelligence agent for twenty-four years, titled, “This is Why You Need to be Authentic in a Fake World”, she suggests, “we all desire to be more authentic in our lives, but give up because this whole ‘getting to know ourselves’ is damn hard work.”

She also notes, “it is also the most important work we will ever do.”

I tend to agree.

Becoming your ‘authentic self’ takes a lifetime to achieve. One advantage of aging, we accumulate wisdom and life experience, providing a better platform from which to reach that goal. It is no simple task to release life-long tendencies to impress, to one-up, or compete — to recoil rather than attempt to assert ourselves. To be clear about our needs, find the courage to ‘ask’.

It is difficult to own our less than stellar behaviors, and make amends.

Although I consider myself a work in progress, I am aware my primary attraction is to persons who for me seem ‘real’… truly authentic, sincere. The ones who allow themselves to be raggedy–who share their doubts, who admit their faults and imperfections. They are not individuals compelled to project a perfect demeanor. Quite the opposite, they do present as ‘comfortable in their own skin’, centered and anchored, perhaps confident but not cocky, who own their foibles and flaws. Open to varying opinions, they may express their point of view, but do not come across as having all the answers.

These authentic behaviors manifest trust.

A universal quality that authentic individuals seem to share is their curiousity, keenly interested in what you have to say, and focused on how you feel. I assume this from the intense look in their eyes, their engaging body language, or a facial expression that indicates they are listening, intently. They engage in conversation that moves effortlessly back and forth between themselves and the listener. Rather than seek the floor in an endless stream of speech with the primary intention of creating an envied impression, they ask questions.

A great quote by Carl Jung, “the privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are“, resonates with me as it has taken the evolution of aging to arrive a bit closer to my true self.

Authenticity is not reached easily.

I certainly have had my share of moments when in a crowd of new faces at a social event, I may initially feel self-conscious, and compare myself to others: Will I appear interesting? Am I as successful? As attractive? As knowledgeable? Will I be liked, or accepted?

When in this state of mind, I lose my authentic self to personal doubt, and minimize my worth.

I am reminded that the comment penned on the back of a report card by my first grade teacher assessed me as, ‘shy’. In my later years of grammar school, I was the second tallest girl in my class. My growth spurt continued through high school. I recall feeling grateful that a taller, female classmate stood behind me in the graduation line, relieved I was not last. It wasn’t until years later that I embraced my height, but as a teen, I towered over most of my friends and potential love interests, rendering me self-conscious.

At the age of twenty-three, I married someone seven years my senior, with a Master’s Degree and a prestigious career in academia. I became a mother at the age of eighteen, delaying the start of my college education until I was twenty-six. I felt I had a lot of catching up to do. Seemed everyone had already reached their goals. My inauthenticity for many years derived from feeling ‘less than’.

During those formative years, when I internally minimized my talents at writing, photography, singing…sometimes doubting my worthiness as an intimate partner or friend…in hindsight, I realize I was wrestling with self doubt, which rendered me inauthentic.

Yet, those who I have encountered over the years who may ‘brag’ about their lives, monopolize the conversation with details about themselves, or seemed to derive their self-esteem via the pursuit of appearing ‘one-up’, were likely experiencing their own ‘lack of self’. Perhaps projecting themselves as ‘more than’ was due to their own self-doubt. In fact, the degree to which they boasted incessantly may be due to an unexplored inner experience of feeling ‘less than’.

Their lack of authenticity may have been similar to mine, but manifested itself differently.

Many years passed before I began to admire my skills as a mother, as a life partner, as a psychotherapist, as a woman who basically had her ‘act’ together.

In an article titled, “The Importance of Authenticity”, from Berkeley Exec Ed, the author writes, “It isn’t difficult to imagine the advantages of truly understanding ourselves and living on our own terms. Not only are we more likely to exhibit greater self-efficacy and garner respect from others, but we’re better able to realize our full potential and reap the additional rewards that come with living an inspired life.”

The article suggests several ways to live a more authentic life: be aware of what you are suppressing and why; be aware of what you’re projecting and why; start small and experiment with taking risks at assuming a more authentic self without suppressing or projecting; speak your mind; and…be curious.

Over time, my outer appearance slowly began to match my inner experience, merging and moving me closer to a personal sense of authenticity.

I relish the opportunity to meet and dialogue with new people, devoid of the negative inner chatter blocking my sense of worth. Although I have always defined myself as an introvert, most people now regard me as an extrovert, as I easily engage without hesitation. I have worked on ‘making friends’ with my inner core, and have strived to make peace with my personal doubts, showing up differently: less inclined to compare, less inclined to diminish myself. These interactions are generally more relaxed, as I become more comfortable with who I am, warts and all.

I have by no means ‘arrived’ in the authenticity realm, but as I age, I am willing to take the risk of owning all my parts, the broken and the healed. The whispers of doubt still periodically attempt to make themselves heard, and on rare occasions derail my progress. However, when owning my value and deeply appreciating who I am, I am less apt to shy away from being fully present to the world…and am ultimately, gratefully, more authentic.